CROAKING @ CROCUS CITY

What a f*cking perfect headline for a f*cking awful contest. 

As someone said on facebook, "maldita perra de mierda esa venezolana."

The crime at Crocus City has made us croak (as in die). Well, it made Dean Harris and Prof. Chandni croak, that is. We are just done. Cooked. No podemos más. We hereby declare that we have no intention of covering Miss Chicken Neck 2013...ummm...we mean Miss Universe 2013 on this blog. Ever (excluding this post). She does not exist. We thought we would boycott the Universe 2013 pageant itself (as in no blog posts). Now we will be boycotting Miss Universe 2013 herself.  

All that said, there were 10 good moments in what was otherwise a slow, torturous, agonizing death by terrible telecast and bisturi a la Osmel:

1. A quick shot of the fantabulous Lu Sierra during the opening.

2. The Alla Duhova Dance Company "TODES."

3. The background music ("Clarity" by Zedd ft. Foxes) for the introduction of the delegates from Angola through Gabon.

4. Dominican Republic's au naturel hair. She represented!

5. Venezuela's final question because we discovered that she could be a Steve Tyler drag queen (or vice versa).

6. Never, never having to know Venezuela's greatest fear (although our greatest fear was realized and we do not yet know how we will overcome it).

7. Saying goodbye to Olivia Culpo. We were never fans of Olivia. We were happy when she won Miss Universe 2012 only because Maryland's Nana Meriwether inherited the Miss USA 2012 title (which should have been hers to begin with!).

8. The cameras zooming on the real, all-natural winner of the night when Thomas Roberts announced the fake, all-plastic, bisturi winner of the night.

9. And right after that zoom, the audience leaderboard appearing on screen, showing Spain receiving 54% of the vote over Venezuela's 46%. 

10. The crown uncannily knowing that it did not deserve what it got, tumbling off the chicken-necked woman. The UK's Daily Mail has it right - a faux pas from start to finish in Moscow!

We hope that the Donald and Paula Sugar Honey got what they paid for. And we hope the ratings of the telecast in the USA will be the lowest ever. And we are actually glad that Venezuela will be moving to New York City. She will no longer have to stand in bread lines and toilet paper lines in that sad, little economic ruin, shortage-plagued country of hers. And we hope that she enjoyed  that dirty old Russian man touching her ass in that stupid-ass million-dollar bikini. Oh, wait. It is all fake down there, too, so she felt nothing. 

OMG!!! We are soooooo looking forward to Miss Universe 2014, when a) the number of delegates doesn't crack 80, because many countries are tired of the fix; and b) Venezuela wins again (or USA or Puerto Rico). We think the Donald should just sell the thing off to Cisneros and let it finally die, too.